An open letter to the corn tortillas from Union Market
Dear “corn tortillas” from Union Market on Court St. in Brooklyn,
Your low price deceives you. The $1.99 cost your sticker bears next to that green star leads buyers to believe that your taco-facilitating abilities are authentic. I am here to tell you categorically that they are not.
At just under two dollars, you presume to be comparable to the fresh, handmade masa corn tortillas I have known from the markets of San Francisco’s Mission District; of San Diego, and other places where I have successfully purchased corn tortillas. Those range in price from $.75 - 1.50 and depict hopeful palm trees and mariachi and women with hacienda flowers in their lush hair. Usually there are also red and green colors, the colors of the flag of the beautiful country south of our U.S. border. Did you even know that, “corn tortillas”? Do you even know what is Mexico?
Your texture makes me think you do not.
Your packaging is clear and empty. Like the bleak dystopian universe that your lack of ability beckons me to descend into for all of eternity.
Under pressure, you fall apart. Specifically, I mean underneath the grilled fish or scallops that I season with the Mexican blend spices that I also buy from the store of your origin. I’m there, anyway, at the store and I need some spicy season. So what? That stuff can handle the heat. But I know you couldn’t. I bet you couldn’t even handle tofu.
In fact, I know you can’t handle tofu because two weeks ago I tried to employ your supposed abilities on vegetarian tacos and within minutes, that spicy soy protein fell out of your “corn”-based form and all over my plate. I had to use a fork. And a knife.
Drawing from my 25+ years of experience as a Californian, I know that you’re not supposed to eat tacos with utensils. It’s embarrassing. I live in New York now but I still know the truth. That kind of shit never leaves you.
Where are you even from, Canada? Is the origin of your private labeling warehouse somewhere that doesn’t even know the glories of sunshine, and of fish tacos, and of guacamole? Sometimes I wonder if you’ve ever even seen an ocean.
Time and again, I am disappointed. And yet, I persist. I want to believe, corn tortillas from Union Market on Court St, that we can have a life together. That together, we can make something special. But you can’t be the kind of corn tortilla that I need. And so, I have to cut you into quarters, add some sunflower oil to your bleak-looking surface, squeeze a lime with a dash of salt and bake you for twenty minutes in the oven. I will confess that as chips, you are pretty delicious. But that’s not what we agreed to, and I wish you would try harder.
However, the flour tortilla version of you is pretty good.
Disappointedly, but still vaguely optimistic and unlikely to go out of my way to change my shopping habits,
P.S. I’m still counting on our collaboration for today’s brunch of huevos rancheros. See you in the kitchen in an hour? Bring it!
10:00 am • 19 February 2012 • 1 note
Thoughts on love from around the web
- “Other people’s happiness doesn’t bother me unless I’ve dated them before,” Ms. Kelly said. “And then I’m really disturbed by it.” - NY Times
- Malaysian Valentine’s Day raids lead to mass arrests. “Officers raided budget hotels in the central state of Selangor and capital, Kuala Lumpur, detaining unmarried Muslim couples who were sharing rooms. The religious authorities in Malaysia say Valentine’s Day is synonymous with immoral activities. Those arrested could be jailed for up to two years if convicted.”- BBC
- Dont send an e-card, send a declaration of romantic intent.
- Or do send an e-card, but make sure it’s from Kate Spade.
- 14 Ways an Economist says “I love you."
- We’ve got some great chemistry, Bitch. Breaking Bad-themed greetings.
- Even beautiful people get sad today. “I have no boyfriend this Valentine’s Day. It’s very sad,” Kandyba said. “He broke up with me because I’m crazy.” -Observer
- Related: if you’re girlfriend is a model, don’t buy her a blender for V-Day. Do buy her flowers, but only if they’re real. “I don’t even care if they’re ugly, unless they’re synthetic. Like when they’re dyed blue. It’s so gross — that’s even worse than getting nothing.” This and other “horror stories" from Fashion Week ladies.
8:25 am • 14 February 2012
My friend Stephanie Keith, an extraordinary photographer with an insatiable curiosity about the world and a passion for documenting it, has done some of the best work on Occupy Wall Street. That’s her now-iconic photograph (above) of the Brooklyn Bridge arrests, taken shortly before she herself was arrested.
Her new book of images, Occupy Wall Street NYC, is available in preview now, and I’m so excited for her but also hoping some developer — ideally, Once Magazine’s — will offer to create a really good iPad app for it. A historical collection like hers deserves proper recording and distribution that way.
8:29 am • 10 February 2012 • 17 notes
I was flying in a plane from Florida back to New York during the Super Bowl and am admittedly not somebody who cared to have missed it, but this is pretty great. Somebody looks angry! But handsome. But angry!
10:23 am • 9 February 2012 • 1 note
So sad! You’d be Bradying, too, if your wife said you “cannot [f—-ing] throw the ball and catch the ball at the same time. I can’t believe they dropped the ball so many times.”
Tebowing = over. All the cool kids are Bradying.
10:22 am • 9 February 2012 • 317 notes
This is the first Valentine’s Day that I am a betrothed person, and as someone who cares little for the holiday, I can’t imagine getting engaged on such a cheesy day. Literally. This year, Pizza Hut is swooping in to play cupid. For justover $10k, you could celebrate Valentine’s Day in style with their “Tie the Knot” deal, replete with engagement-friendly services like photographers, videographers, and a limo. Why? CEO Kurt Kane explains “If we’re able to fit pizza, breadsticks and dessert into one box for only $10, why stop there?” That’s right, Kurt. Why stop there!? Put a ring in it! Better yet, put a bird on it. That could be cute. They might try to eat the pizza though. Kane continues: “Our customers want the best of everything, from their food to memorable life experiences. So we decided to make one of those experiences – the marriage proposal – second-to-none and offer it at PizzaHut.com right alongside the new $10 Dinner Box.” Brilliant! All you have to have this memorable experience is a) want to propose — with a ”stunning ruby stone flanked by shimmering diamonds” no less, preferably to a person who likes both rubies and pizza b) not have an aversion to fireworks and c) call RIGHT NOW because they only have 10 packages available. It would also be smart to plan a post-pizza meal (at least a side salad or something) because even though you’re paying ten grand, all you get to eat is the carbo-loaded $10 dinner box of pizza and breadsticks. The rest of it must go into that sparkling ruby thing and all the marketing for this deal. I wonder how many ladies are going to be disappointed when a dinner box arrives at their doors this V-day and all it contains is … pizza. Pizza and breadsticks and dipping sauce. Alternatively, you could just buy this $55,000 cupcake.
image via thedailywhat via eater.
9:02 am • 9 February 2012 • 2,968 notes
Things to get excited about today, based on location/values/beliefs
NYC: The Giants. (Note: Do not go to Union Square, people).
California: Prop 8 ruled unconstitutional, marriage equality for everyone!
Elsewhere: The US has slightly more jobs.
Take your choice, y’all. I pick the middle one!
10:46 am • 7 February 2012 • 3 notes
Marriage Equality, Yay for California
The Ninth U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals in San Francisco ruled that “Prop 8’s limitations on access to marriage took rights away from a vulnerable minority without benefiting parents, children or the marital institution,” according to SF Chronicle. Here’s the full decision over at KQED. And a timeline of Proposition 8.
Keep it up, courts. Supreme one: take note. Because everyone should have the right to love, and to suffer, and do all that work, equally.
10:29 am • 7 February 2012 • 1 note
“It is only by going through a volume of work that you will close that gap, and your work will be as good as your ambitions. And I took longer to figure out how to do this than anyone I’ve ever met. It’s gonna take awhile. It’s normal to take a while. You’ve just gotta fight your way through.”
— Wisdom from Ira Glass via Reddit’s in a thread about the best advice you know. Fight your way through.
10:27 am • 30 January 2012 • 1 note